Monday, May 16, 2011

Getting Married

I’m about to make a great generalization, so bear with me for a moment and try not to get offended.  Ready?  Ok.

Men and women in the Midwest are all looking to get married.

Still with me?  Let me explain why I think this.

First of all, I should probably explain that I come from Maine and lived there almost all my life.  I moved out to Ohio for college, looking to get a good education far enough away from my family to discourage them driving out for a weekend.  When I was 18, I was naïve and thought that all areas of the United States were essentially similar.  I’m not sure why I had this idea, my mom’s family all live in the South and I know they act differently from my dad’s Northern family.  Also, my college is basically out in the middle of nowhere, whereas I had grown up near/in Portland with frequent (almost weekly) trips to Boston.  I was in for a major culture shock.

But it was more than just learning to say “Pop” instead of “Soda” and “Cart” instead of “Carriage.”  Hookups took on a new form.  People on my campus viewed hooking up as a way to find a long-term boyfriend.  A hookup is how I started dating my ex-girlfriend, essentially.  But it wasn’t just the good, Christian women that viewed sex in this way.  The guys all were interested in long-lasting, meaningful, monogamous relationships.  And they want them BADLY.  It got to the point in my Junior year that I was so pissed off by all the drama involved in fucking a guy on my campus, that I started playing with older men exclusively.

That didn’t really change the nature of the game, though.  All the guys I was hooking up with were falling deeply in love with me after one night.  I had a guy ask me barely a half hour after I shot my load in his ass if I would want to move in with him, saying he would leave his girlfriend for me and we could live together while I finished college and that his family would love me.  I had to tell him to put on the brakes, I had only just met him that day.  He didn’t stop though, and eventually I had to block him and ignore him all over the place.

Even worse was a guy I was talking to on Adam4Adam who, before he had ever met me, was telling me that he cared about me very much and maybe even loved me.  He couldn’t have even known I was who I said I was, and he was talking like we were already boyfriends.  I told him that I was going to be at a grad program this coming fall and that there was no way our relationship would last past the school year.  That didn’t stop him from telling me that he would always care for me and that we could work something out.  That relationship ended pretty badly.  I might write about it sometime.

Though I haven’t talked about them much, women are just as bad out here.  If you read the W4M page on Craigslist in my area, it is all women saying they are looking for something serious.  Girls at parties on my campus would expect you to start dating them after a drunkin hookup.  A large number of the girls on my campus, including ones not even old enough to drink yet, are engaged to the first man they have ever dated.
When I’m home in the Maine/Mass area, this NEVER happens.  Guys will meet with you in the park, bust a load, and move on.  If you get a bit more serious with a guy, you might become fuck buddies, but unless you both are very much in love and already single, rapid dating never happens.  I never had a guy ask me to be monogamous with him while I was in Maine, and I’ve never had guys chatting with me online want me to move in with them.  I was totally unprepared for this strange attitude.

I’m going to be leaving the Midwest for good in a few days, but if there were any advice I could leave for the people out here, it would be to live your life for yourself, not some idea of marriage and family that you have.  Family can wait until you’re out of college.  It can wait until you’re in your 30s, for heaven’s sake.  Just please, please, PLEASE, don’t try to get me to marry you.  I won’t do it.

And that is the end of my little rant.  Thank you for listening.

9 comments:

  1. Lol! Wow, sounds like the place hasn't moved with the times for the last five or so decades. You don't find many people with attitudes like that here in England. Oh and it's gal by the way ;)

    T

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  2. I agree 100% with you man. There are places that just after a few words, people think that they know you and want to move in with you. I'm 55 and i didn't live with anybody and i don't know if i'm prepared for that, maybe one day i'll find the right guy but for now, i'm always single. Take car man.

    Yves

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  3. @T

    I feel the same way about some of the things they do around here. It can be very 1950's small town depending on where you are.

    -Ace

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  4. @Yves

    I don't know if I'll ever get married or anything like that, but I do know that right now I'm focused on having a good time with as many people as I can. I'll worry about settling down later.

    -Ace

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  5. I'm in the Midwest, MN to be exact, and I can't say I've experienced that as much as you have. I found that until about 25, there can be a lot of dreamy eyed drama. I've also seen many women at around 30 have their nesting instinct kick in big time.

    Perhaps it's too strong of a Sagittarius influence in me, but any mere perception of expectations on me will make me run for the hills. Without that perception or expectation however, I can be quite devoted, but still not domestic.

    I met a guy at a bar once...who was hot in a muscly, Radical Faerie, 15 years older, Jean-Luc Picard sort of way. He was clear that it was an NSA thing. Cool. We became FBs and went on a couple camping trips...actually it wasn't camping as he had a circa '72 VW bus. But there was the hiking naked in the forest. Then one day, about 2 months after meeting, he became all serious, which led to drama, then a rapid cutting loose.

    Another was a studly anarchist artist, again about 10 years older. He became terribly possessive in no time. I would have thought that Faeries and anarchists would a bit more liberal in relationships, but that just shows that no one can assume anything about anyone.

    Seph

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  6. Seph,

    I've never been with a Radical Faerie, but as a pagan man myself, I find their beliefs very interesting and would love to meet one. In a way I'm a bit jealous of you now. And as far as serious drama goes, I just wish guys wouldn't try to move a relationship faster than I'm willing to go. I can get serious, but it takes me a while. Thanks for the comment!

    -Ace

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  7. Ace,

    Come to Mpls and you'll find a lot of Faeries. I've known and "known" several over the years. It's funny because most I still only know by their Faerie names. With one, we used to just sleep together, yes just sleep...and cuddle. I still run into him a couple times a year. He's still sexy, and the air crackles with electricity when we see each other, but at this point I'd never want to hook up with him. I like things the way they are.

    Seph

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  8. Seph,

    That sounds very cool. If I ever get a chance to come out there, I'll totally look around for some. Even just a chance to talk to one would be fun. If it goes somewhere, then it does, but I find intellectual conversation very stimulating as well.

    -Ace

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  9. Ace, I could have written almost the same thing word for word about my campus experiences - but in the UK, 25 years ago. I ended up doing a runner from so many situations, some of which ended very badly with a lot of hurt to the other guy, when we could've had more fun together if he hadn't come on so possessively monogamous with me. You're wise enough not to settle down too soon - have as much pleasure as you can.

    Love your writing too - found you via Rob's blog.

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