Men flutter to me like moths around a flame.
If their wings burn, I know I'm not to blame.
Love's always been my game, play it how I may.
I was made that way.
I can't help it.
These lyrics are from one of my all-time favorite songs, "Falling In Love Again (Can't Help It)" which was famously sung by Marlene Dietrich for the German film Der Blaue Engel (The Blue Angel). Madeline Kahn's song in Blazing Saddles, "I'm Tired," is a direct parody of that scene. Many famous musicians have covered the song, from Billie Holiday to Doris Day to Nina Simone to The Beatles to Christina Aguilera. I'm all about the trivia.
But I find that the song holds fairly true to my life. Many a friend has commented to me that I attract suitors of both genders wherever I go. And honestly, I don't do it on purpose. For the most part, I don't enter social situations with the intention to flirt. I am simply kind and polite and social. Which gets other people to flirt with me. And for some reason, I flirt back without even thinking. I may not even find the person attractive or be particularly horny, but I flirt. I've been called out on it before. And it is even worse when I'm drunk: I flirt with anything that's breathing.
Trying to remain humble and modest is hard when talking about this kind of thing, but I have to point out that I'm not unattractive myself. In fact, I'm pretty handsome with my scruffy beard and long blond hair. I look like a wild man with it down and an artistic thinker with it up. I dress to impress daily and I make sure I look good. It doesn't take long for someone to get smitten with a handsome man that is flirting with them. And for some people, they get a bit more than smitten.
I've already talked about the number of people who have asked me to move in or become incredibly serious with them over the recent years, but for me that is nothing new. When I was a Freshman in high school (around the time I was first seeing Paul) I had a girl tell me at Homecoming that she thought I was the one for her. Keep in mind that I was fourteen at the time, had not taken this girl to the dance, was dating another girl who I had taken to the dance, and being fucked regularly by men. Sure, she didn't know the last part, but she was aware of all the other circumstances.
But it isn't just sappy teen girls. It is married women at Disney World (great story) and college guys who weren't even aware of their attraction to men before they met me (multiple stories). It is fathers who seriously consider leaving their wives and children for me without my even prompting them. It is one of my ex-girlfriends, now a married lesbian, who texted me recently to tell me I'm sexy. It's guys online who have never met me stalking me through my A4A and BBRT accounts.
I don't know what I do that draws people to me like that. Honestly, I do fall in love with some of them, but I have fallen in love with a lot of people in my short life. I love violently and passionately and I love more than one person at a time. I don't believe, like that girl Freshman year did, that there is one person for everyone. But sometimes I feel alone in that mindset. I find people falling in love with me and not willing to let me go, not willing to share or be shared. And I find that people are using "love" to mean "fully and completely committed to," which is not the way I view it.
Sadly I've had to break a few hearts and see many frowns on people's faces because of my attitude. I've been a part of many dramatic scenes because I was not willing to change my life for another person, especially when I was still an active member of the small gay community on my campus. It just doesn't work for me. I'm sure someday I'll settle down and get married to someone I love, but there is no way it would work if I wasn't allowed to fool around. I don't know if I'm more horny than others, or just a bigger whore, but I need sex frequently and with different people. Maybe someday that will change, but most likely it won't.
I can't tell if this post is a rant or a complaint about my personal issues. It may be a little bit of both. I recognize that I am not constructed the same way most of the world is. Societal constructs of our culture demand that a man marry a woman and that they both stay true to each other for life, and even into the afterlife, if that is what they believe. And even though a lot of gay men think that gay culture is all about sex with as many men as possible, the gay community has taken the monogamy concept to heart as well. I think gay marriage is important and I support those who want to get married, but I'm not happy with the idea of marriage as we currently see it. Why can't I love two people and make love to them both as I please? Why not three? or four? But our culture does not work that way.
So I have to make my way through men and women looking for the one until I find one who is willing to share. Maybe that will never happen. I know I could happily live my life single. But I do want children, something that is made easier by a spouse. And I do want a house, something that is easier to pay for with multiple incomes. Are my wants conflicting with my nature? Am I as much a victim of monogamy propaganda as everyone else? These are things I'm concerned about.
Luckily I'm still young and I still have time to work through all of this. I still have time to sample the menu before people start wondering why I haven't ordered the main course. And I will love as many people as I want to love without feeling pressure. I will likely tell you all in this blog that I love somebody, and it will be true. But it won't change who I am or what I do. That's just the way love is with me.