Monday, June 13, 2011

Falling in Love Again

Men flutter to me like moths around a flame.
If their wings burn, I know I'm not to blame.
Love's always been my game, play it how I may.
I was made that way.
I can't help it.

These lyrics are from one of my all-time favorite songs, "Falling In Love Again (Can't Help It)" which was famously sung by Marlene Dietrich for the German film Der Blaue Engel (The Blue Angel). Madeline Kahn's song in Blazing Saddles, "I'm Tired," is a direct parody of that scene. Many famous musicians have covered the song, from Billie Holiday to Doris Day to Nina Simone to The Beatles to Christina Aguilera. I'm all about the trivia.

But I find that the song holds fairly true to my life. Many a friend has commented to me that I attract suitors of both genders wherever I go. And honestly, I don't do it on purpose. For the most part, I don't enter social situations with the intention to flirt. I am simply kind and polite and social. Which gets other people to flirt with me. And for some reason, I flirt back without even thinking. I may not even find the person attractive or be particularly horny, but I flirt. I've been called out on it before. And it is even worse when I'm drunk: I flirt with anything that's breathing.

Trying to remain humble and modest is hard when talking about this kind of thing, but I have to point out that I'm not unattractive myself. In fact, I'm pretty handsome with my scruffy beard and long blond hair. I look like a wild man with it down and an artistic thinker with it up. I dress to impress daily and I make sure I look good. It doesn't take long for someone to get smitten with a handsome man that is flirting with them. And for some people, they get a bit more than smitten.

I've already talked about the number of people who have asked me to move in or become incredibly serious with them over the recent years, but for me that is nothing new. When I was a Freshman in high school (around the time I was first seeing Paul) I had a girl tell me at Homecoming that she thought I was the one for her. Keep in mind that I was fourteen at the time, had not taken this girl to the dance, was dating another girl who I had taken to the dance, and being fucked regularly by men. Sure, she didn't know the last part, but she was aware of all the other circumstances.

But it isn't just sappy teen girls. It is married women at Disney World (great story) and college guys who weren't even aware of their attraction to men before they met me (multiple stories). It is fathers who seriously consider leaving their wives and children for me without my even prompting them. It is one of my ex-girlfriends, now a married lesbian, who texted me recently to tell me I'm sexy. It's guys online who have never met me stalking me through my A4A and BBRT accounts.

I don't know what I do that draws people to me like that. Honestly, I do fall in love with some of them, but I have fallen in love with a lot of people in my short life. I love violently and passionately and I love more than one person at a time. I don't believe, like that girl Freshman year did, that there is one person for everyone. But sometimes I feel alone in that mindset. I find people falling in love with me and not willing to let me go, not willing to share or be shared. And I find that people are using "love" to mean "fully and completely committed to," which is not the way I view it.

Sadly I've had to break a few hearts and see many frowns on people's faces because of my attitude. I've been a part of many dramatic scenes because I was not willing to change my life for another person, especially when I was still an active member of the small gay community on my campus. It just doesn't work for me. I'm sure someday I'll settle down and get married to someone I love, but there is no way it would work if I wasn't allowed to fool around. I don't know if I'm more horny than others, or just a bigger whore, but I need sex frequently and with different people. Maybe someday that will change, but most likely it won't.

I can't tell if this post is a rant or a complaint about my personal issues. It may be a little bit of both. I recognize that I am not constructed the same way most of the world is. Societal constructs of our culture demand that a man marry a woman and that they both stay true to each other for life, and even into the afterlife, if that is what they believe. And even though a lot of gay men think that gay culture is all about sex with as many men as possible, the gay community has taken the monogamy concept to heart as well. I think gay marriage is important and I support those who want to get married, but I'm not happy with the idea of marriage as we currently see it. Why can't I love two people and make love to them both as I please? Why not three? or four? But our culture does not work that way.

So I have to make my way through men and women looking for the one until I find one who is willing to share. Maybe that will never happen. I know I could happily live my life single. But I do want children, something that is made easier by a spouse. And I do want a house, something that is easier to pay for with multiple incomes. Are my wants conflicting with my nature? Am I as much a victim of monogamy propaganda as everyone else? These are things I'm concerned about.

Luckily I'm still young and I still have time to work through all of this. I still have time to sample the menu before people start wondering why I haven't ordered the main course. And I will love as many people as I want to love without feeling pressure. I will likely tell you all in this blog that I love somebody, and it will be true. But it won't change who I am or what I do. That's just the way love is with me.

13 comments:

  1. I think that the questions you are asking are great questions, and that you will probably not get any resonance from the culture in your life time, although I do think people are certainly showing more compassion around their own sexual lives and the sexual lives of others than when I was growing up in the 1950's. So I celebrate your finding the ways of sexuality that are right for you and for the ones you love, no question. I celebrate you!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ace,

    It is BECAUSE you are a successful flirt and lover and friend that your need for all sorts of human interaction is necessary. It is as much in your DNA as those gingerish pubes in your pic. Celebrate it man. I know of what you speak. You need to be free to express your love -- physical and otherwise to whom, where and when you want and need. You also need this for your writing and the way you engage with art. People are always looking for an exclusive -- in relationships, in sex, in life -- some people are not wired that way. They just need to be told early enough so they really understand you. Some people that ride the Ace Roller Coaster will throw their hands in the air and scream in delight with each rise and dip and there are others who will hold on for dear life and not want the ride to end. They bought a ticket to experience the adventure but not to own the attraction.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ace, I love this post, and not just because it starts with a song from an old movie.

    My sense of you is that you find your own path through life, not just with regard to love and marriage, but most things. You should feel very good about that.

    As for your irresistability, I think it has to do with a combination of your winning ways and your two-tone body hair, chest darker and crotch all gingery.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Wharton,

    I'm glad you celebrate my sexual freedom. I really hope that society starts to become more accepting of people like me, but I think it is far more likely that change will be slow. Still, I gotta be me.

    -Ace

    ReplyDelete
  5. Loki,

    I love your "Ace Roller Coaster" metaphor. I'm going to steal it and use it sometime. And I think you're right, I do need to make people aware of my needs early on in a relationship, and I usually do. Yet, somehow people hear me say "I'm not looking to commit" and agree with me, but weeks later are jealous and clingy.

    -Ace

    ReplyDelete
  6. Mark,

    If you think my body hair is sexy, you should see the rest. My hair is blonde and my beard shifts from dark brown side burns to a blond cheek to a red goatee. People used to tell me I had a rainbow beard. LOL And my arm hair is so light it is hard to see.

    And I'm very glad you liked the post. Have you see Der Blaue Engel?

    -Ace

    ReplyDelete
  7. Yes, I have seen Der Blaue Engel. And ever since I read your post, Marlene's voice has been singing in my head.

    Now what I'd like to see is all the rest of your hair. Every last one.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Mark,

    I love Marlene singing. I know some people don't like her voice, but there's something very raw and sensual and real about her. When she sings, I just get really excited by it.

    Hmmm...Well, I know one way you could see every hair on my body, but it would require one of us to travel.

    -Ace

    ReplyDelete
  9. Ace my friend,
    That was one great post that you put in here. You reveal yourself to us nad show us the man that you are, kind, caring and honest. you spoke words that nobody will say but you said them man. I hope that you find that special person for you, like you said, you are young and have the time in front of you. Thank you for sharing that my friend.

    Yves

    ReplyDelete
  10. NOT LIKE MARLENE'S VOICE??????????
    Don't ever introduce those people to me...I will tie them to a chair and play drop the needle...no, wait. It's actually better to watch her sing. Whether the rawness of "The Blue Angel," or the cross gendered song and kiss in "Morocco" or a much later film like "A Foreign Affair" (shot immediately after the war in bombed out Berlin) she parlays a limited voice into magic--becuase she connects so completely with her material. Like all great performers...

    And as to the main point of your post, from personal experience I know you can have both--just hold out for the right person. You make the relationship fit you--not you into some mold set by others. The right person will know the difference between love and sex...and what makes you happy.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Yves,

    I want to always be honest in my blog, even if it means saying things that other people might not say.

    -Ace

    ReplyDelete
  12. FelchingPisser,

    I don't know any of Marlene's detractors personally, because I would have killed them. But if you look up the video on YouTube there are plenty of talentless wannabees willing to comment that she has trouble with pitch. Uh, the words "fuck you bitch" come to mind as a response.

    I will take your positive attitude to heart, my friend. I am sure that someday I'll find someone who will understand the need I have for both love and sex. Until then, bring on the sex!

    -Ace

    ReplyDelete
  13. Searching for the Best Dating Website? Create an account to find your perfect date.

    ReplyDelete