Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Married Nick

Married Nick was the last man to fuck me before I met Rob. I honestly have to think of him in my mind as "Married Nick" to differentiate him from all the other people I know named Nick. The first part of this post is actually a short poetic piece I wrote and attempted to get published in a journal that was focusing on pieces written about Love. Yes, with the capitol L. Sadly it didn't get published, though it isn't exactly one of the best I've ever written.

Married Nick was nearing thirty-five. Married Nick was from out of town. Married Nick didn't tell me he was married at first. Married Nick worked for Wal-Mart and would come every two weeks and stay at a hotel. Married Nick had sex with a co-worker too. Married Nick liked horror movies and would buy them to watch with me. Married Nick let his co-worker fuck me. Married Nick could last for hours while I rode him and he kissed me. Married Nick liked Family Guy. Married Nick told me about his wife's third trimester miscarriage while he clung to me in the dark morning hours. Married Nick learned my family history and had me point out constellations to him. Married Nick told me he loved me but then Married Nick did a bad thing. He broke my heart.
That is a pretty good overview of my relationship to Married Nick. We only knew each other for about two and a half months. Maybe three. But despite how little time we spent together, he has had a lasting effect on me.

He didn't tell me that he was married at first. I don't remember when it came up, but by the time it did he had already told me he loved me, and I had loved him back. We would meet up when he was in the area for work. I would drive to his hotel room and he would start kissing me right at the door. We had to be quiet because he often had co-workers in the next room trying to sleep. We were both very passionate with each other, we had a mutual desire.

I can remember what he looked like as if I had just seen him yesterday. He had short black hair, a little bit of a gut, and he always had a smile for me. His dick was not something a size queen would scream for, but it was big enough to make me feel total pleasure every time he entered me. I never worried about pain with him. He always opened me up well before, and I was always totally relaxed in his arms. When he kissed me, I felt his need for me and I showed him my own need while kissing him back.

At the time I first met Married Nick I was at a turning point in my life. I was a Sophomore in college and my relationship with Niki was starting to get bad. I had been mostly monogamous to her but when she started to withhold sex, I decided to seek it elsewhere. Trouble was, I was one of the most experienced guys on my campus when it came to either gay or straight sex. So when I went looking for guys to fuck me, what I came across was a group of inexperienced boys who all really wanted to lay back and spread their legs. I had been making the shift to top for a while, so I was glad to assist these boys, but I still had the itch for cock in my ass.

Married Nick and I found each other on Craigslist and that very night I was driving out to meet him at his hotel room. When he took me for the first time, the only lube was spit, but my ass still opened up for him as he kissed me. His cock entered me without either of us guiding him. I'm sure that it helped that, at the time, I was frequently using a large butt plug on my ass, but a lot of the ease came from my trust of him to not hurt me. I trusted him with all of me. His favorite position with me was me on my back, legs on his shoulders, and him moaning into my mouth as he shot his cum into my ass. My favorite position was him on his back, me riding him hard. I could move him around inside of me forever and make him hit all my magic spots.

He had a co-worker he also fooled around on the side with. Once he brought the co-worker with him and we had a great night together. I remember starting out with the two of them in the hot tub, drinking beer while I slowly did a striptease for them. Both men were hard before I finished and stepped into the tub. I also remember being fucked by the co-worked on my back, my head over the edge of the bed, and Married Nick's cock gagging me. And I definitely remember Married Nick sliding into my hole after his co-worker had dumped a load and filling me up with his cum too. And I remember falling asleep in his arms after his co-worker had gone to his own hotel room.

My trust and love for Married Nick is part of what allowed him to hurt me so much. The last night I ever spent with him was only remarkable in that it was the last night I ever spent with him. I honestly don't even remember very well how everything went down. All I know is that I woke up early the next morning like I usually would and left to make it to class on time. I went through the whole day thinking about what a wonderful time I'd had, and finally went back to my dorm to check my e-mail.

There was one from Married Nick. I don't remember that subject, but it did nothing to prepare me for what was written inside, and that I will never forget. "What we have been doing is a bad thing. I don't want you to think this is any reflection on you. You are an amazing and wonderful man. But I can't keep doing this to my wife. So I am deleting this email account and removing your number from my phone. I still think of you as a brother to me and I want you to call me if I you ever need help. But I will never call you again." He even signed it "Love, Nick."

Every word of that email hurt me to my core. There had been no sense of this coming. He had even kissed me good-bye that morning. I felt tears forming around my eyes. But I didn't let myself cry. In fact, something inside of me hardened in that moment. I remember feeling like I had poured cement into the wounds in my heart. I read the email one last time, making sure that I no longer had any emotional reaction to the words, and then I deleted it. I deleted all the emails he had ever sent me. And I removed him from my cell phone and made sure that anything he had ever given me was gone. I essentially stripped Married Nick out of my life and forced myself to move on.

How did I do that? How did I simply remove a man who had meant so much to me from my life? It was easy. In my head a loud and angry voice said, "I AM ACE. I AM WORTH EVERYTHING. I AM NOT SOMEONE WHO CAN BE DUMPED IN AN EMAIL. I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS." I cut him out of my life and my heart because I knew that there was no way anyone who could treat me so badly could ever deserve my love or my hate. Married Nick hurt me like very few people have. But Married Nick is now just a memory to me. I wonder what I am to him.

15 comments:

  1. So many reactions are circling inside me right now. On the one hand, as a literary creation, I think this is a very strong entry - the abstract/summary at the start provides a perfect frame for the experience as you reveal it, the flow of emotions across the paragraphs is vivid and well crafted, and the language is very VERY evocative. As a sexual experience, it's extremely arousing - the imagery of the two/three of you enjoying each other definitely got my dick fully invested in the story. But more than anything else, it's the pain in the story that I'm focussed on at the end. Reading it makes me want to hug you close - makes me want to somehow "comfort" the guy you were then. The idea of filling the cracks and tears in your heart with concrete is an extraordinarily powerful and revelatory analogy. Which brings me, ultimately, to what I find myself thinking most of all: please don't give Married Nick too much power. You describe his impact on you as so profound - and while blocking up the heart can be "self-protective," it comes at a huge price. And you know those costs. Don't let his memory continue to make you pay penalties you will be hurt still more by paying. We've all been there - and it's so rough. But you know what? To use your own analogy: think about what happens, even to concrete. As all our sidewalks prove, with the passage of enough time....concrete crumbles. And the rubble can be cleaned out - and a clean open space created once again. Concrete isn't permanent.

    -----jonking

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  2. Jonking,

    Thank you so much for your beautifully written comment. It really makes me happy to read what you say. I think that, in retrospect, I should not have grieved for Married Nick alone. I probably should have sought someone to talk to, or maybe done something different. But I was alone in my sadness and I did the only thing I could do: I protected myself. Honestly, I think some of the damage he did is still there. There are still areas of my heart I don't share. But there have been men and women since him that have helped. Chris is one and Rob is another. Both men I've already written about my feelings for, but I guess to say it again won't hurt. I love both of them strongly. And I need to keep loving strongly if anyone is ever to sweep out the cracked concrete still in my heart.

    -Ace

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  3. Ace, This post was both very arousing and very moving. The three-way with you in the middle was some very hot writing. But the hurt Married Nick caused is what resonates so strongly by the end. He kept all the power in his hands - first by not telling you he was married, and then by blind-siding you by disappearing without warning or a chance for you to talk. My guess is that you meant as much to him as he meant to you; otherwise you wouldn't have felt it and he probably wouldn't have freaked and run. But he was far too troubled to be playing with a heart and a life as he did. I believe, as jonking wrote, that the concrete will erode. We're naturally prone to healing.

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  4. Mark,

    I hope the two of you are right. Honestly it was one of the most painful experiences in my life, and for that reason alone I don't think I'll ever fully forget it. But every time I find someone new to trust and care for who doesn't hurt me, I do heal a little. I think eventually the pain will go away and all Married Nick will be is another bad break-up. I'm going to be optimistic and believe that.

    -Ace

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  5. Ace,

    It is strange that i should be writing about this twice in one week (also in a comment to EdgyHusband). Your post is powerfully and emotionally charged and wonderfully written -- if writing about heartache as profound as yours can be described that way.Your writing conveys the wanderlust of your youth and the aftermath of a complicated relationship. I am sorry he wasn't honest with you from the beginning. And I am sorry that he chose to deal with his panic by fleeing from quite possibly a person that could have helped him the most. I speak from personal experience on this subject. I had a similar breakup that came out of the blue 18 months into a relationship. He didn't just break my heart, he ripped it out and stomped on it. And I never understood why. I too struck every remembrance of him but I still wonder and I still hurt. I had mentioned some of this in a post to EdgyHusband on the act of looking up lost loves. I'm not too proud to say I google him from time to time. it sucks but you'll get through it Ace. Keep loving man.

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  6. Loki,

    Thank you for your support. All the comments I have received today make me sure that my readers are all very wonderful people. I'm also sorry that you've been through a similar breakup, but I guess maybe everyone needs one bad ending. While I don't Google Married Nick, and I sometimes have to force myself to remember him, I do wonder about him. I wonder if he and his wife are still together. And I also wonder what else he lied about. Like, what if I did Google him only to learn that I never knew his real last name? I wouldn't want to know that. So I guess I just keep my distance. It is better anyway. The healing moves quicker when I'm not constantly thinking about him.

    -Ace

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  7. Ace my friend,
    That post is really amazing, love every words that you wrote from the start to the end of your post. You met him one day and have a great time with him until the day that he send you that e-mail.
    I'm glad that you got over it and continu you life without thinking of him. Glad that you took control of yourself like that and didn't let yourself down. Thank you for being who you are and don't ever change my sexy friend.

    Yves

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  8. Yves,

    Thank you very much for your continued support of my writing. I'm glad you liked the story. And don't worry, I don't have any plans to change any time soon.

    -Ace

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  9. I read this when you first posted it. My married lover just left me as well, and my wounds are still raw, so it's taken me a couple of days to collect my thoughts and respond. I'm sorry you went through this, but as a backward compliment, it helps me to read I'm not alone.

    I enjoy your blog immensely. You have an affable quality to your writing that makes me feel like I'm having a conversation with you, and not simply reading a story that happened to someone else, a long time ago.

    You were dumped in an email, I was dumped in a text, but at least we weren't dumped by a post it note, like in that Sex in the City episode when Berger dumps Carrie via post it note. LOL see, someone's always got it worse than us LOL.

    Thanks for letting me share here.

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  10. Anon 11:01am,

    I'm sorry to hear that we share this experience, but I am glad to be supportive through my writing. Being dumped in an email or a text is never the right way, but some people just can't handle the confrontation involved with being dumped personally. It sucks and is somewhat cowardly, but it happens.

    And your right, there is always worse.

    -Ace

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  11. I suspect he fell in love with you and scared himself to death. The way he broke up with you was cowardly but he did that to make sure that he wouldn't leave his wife. You are too in tune with people you love to have made a mistake about his feelings for you. They were there and they were real. I bet he started realizing what he was willing to give up to be with you and it scared him. It's a pity he wasn't mature enough to find a way to navigate his impulses; like a child it was just easier to push you away. Sadly I think all of us have had that happen and we tend to blame ourselves for not being "something" enough. And then later for picking a guy who would do that. There's an ebb and flow to emotions that allow people's souls to touch at certain moments, and then the tide sweeps one of them away. He is lost at sea. You survived and will continue to survive.

    ciel

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  12. Ciel,

    I have wondered if he had fallen in love with me. I wish he had told me instead of getting frightened and running away. I could have helped him, or explained to him that it wasn't an issue. I don't know. Some men just aren't able to deal with multiple romantic relationships, I guess.

    -Ace

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  13. Well, neither of us can ever know that. Possibly he doesn't either. And he would never have told you, he wasn't capable. I doubt dealing with multiple relationships was his problem, it was the romantic part. You're doing something that many of us insecure types do: If I can do it, ANYONE can! But they can't. You lead an examined life and because of that, your impulse would be to talk about problem or comfort someone who had the problem, and try to find a solution. That's pretty exceptional and rare. Most people just hope the problem goes away. I don't believe for a second that Nick worried about wronging his wife. The timing is just too weird. Come and have a hot threeway, OMG, this is wrong? He felt something and it scared the shit out of him. He may not even be aware of what he felt, but he associated that emotion with you. The emotion was inconvenient and therefore you had to be pushed away. In our histories of being dumped, the pain and fear is so piercing at first that we focus on our own inadequacies, seeking the answer for the rejection. It's only later when the pain cools and hardens that we can look back at these what-was-I-thinking partners and realize it has way more to do with them. I'm not slamming him, he just wasn't equipped to work through this in the way that you can.

    ciel

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  14. I have just installed iStripper, so I can watch the sexiest virtual strippers on my taskbar.

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