Tuesday, June 7, 2011

No Shame

As I have been reaching back into my past to talk about my early years and introduction to the world of sex, I've really enjoyed writing things that I rarely get to vocalize in my day-to-day life. Let's be honest, most people do not want to hear a friend or co-worker come clean about having sex under-age with men aged 40 and up. So I have been very quiet about my early years, never really letting on to those around me that I was anything but a straight-laced kid. I still play that part well, even though my sexual life has leaked into my regular life a few times recently, and many of my friends know that I have and enjoy sex with multiple men and women. I never go into detail about my encounters. I never really discuss with friends my choice to frequently go condomless. And I definitely don't talk about my early days, except maybe when the topic of "first times" comes up. I generally let people know that I lost my virginity at a young age, though sometimes I flub the age if I don't think the person will like the truth. But for the past four years I've lived in a rural area at a college filled with heavily religious people who look down on sex before marriage. Lying has become a survival mechanism for me.

That is why I love this blog. It gives me a chance to tell what I really want to tell and I can be honest. But sometimes the honesty is hard.

I'm planning on talking about earlier experiences than what I have already posted about with Paul. And I'm going to be talking about the rest of my high school time too. But every time I write a post I think, "Will I be judged for this?" or "Should I post this? Is this even ok to talk about?" I don't know if this fear is simply from my lying to survive in Northwest Ohio, or if it is something deeper. I've already mentioned that I have depression in this blog, and part of what my depression does to me is deny me things that make me happy, convincing me that I don't deserve happiness. Is it possible that I'm afraid to let these memories out because of the joy I get from writing them? Maybe.

I know it isn't a fear of my readers. The few of you who read and comment regularly are amazing and I know you won't judge me for what I write. And frankly, if some bozo does show up randomly and condemn my actions, I don't care. If someone far away from me feels the need to insult me through the internet, I just feel sorry. Anonymous insults hurt like a handshake hurts: not at all. I'm not concerned with making everyone out there happy. I'm not writing this blog to please other people, I'm writing it for myself.

Do I know that underage sex is wrong and illegal? Yes. Do I think that teen boys should sit on toilets and slurp down the cum of older men? No. Am I aware that what men did to me constitutes statutory rape? Yes.

Do I regret doing any of it? No.

While I don't think that every man should have the sexual awakening that I did, I'm glad for my own experiences. Even the truly bad ones that I try to pretend never happened. All these experiences shaped me into the man I am today. Sure, my life hasn't been great. I have depression, I have risked my safety for sex, I have been horrified by bad things. But my life isn't all that terrible either, and I have survived. I have survived and become a wonderful man. So I refuse to let myself be ashamed or afraid when I write about these past events. And I won't feel ashamed any time one of my bad experiences or darker moments show up on this blog. If the words need to be written, I will write them.

So now that I have made that commitment to myself, I would like to ask my readers to bare with me on this journey. I really enjoy writing my blog, but my favorite part is interacting with you in the comments. I would still write if no one commented and no one read, but I have to say, I much prefer what we have here. Thank you all very much. I hope this blogging adventure is as fun for you as it is for me.

22 comments:

  1. Well, aside from finding you pretty damn attractive, what I've seen of you, I am enjoying reading your blog and will comment as so moved. Love reading about you're touching rel. with Breeder, too. So I'm a fan, Ace, one who has long experience with depression, probably inherited. And the story continues....

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  2. I think your hesitancy is well founded. I don't think that people who would find your stories of youthful sex an enjoyable read automatically candidates for scrutiny by authorities, but it is a fine line to walk given the obvious desire to keep molesters off the internet, a practice I support.

    Each time I have written about experiences that took place in my youth, I have made the effort to heavily caveat things with warnings about the fact that this was a true account of a younger experience. If something is true, even if we all agree as adults that it may have been wrong, it doesn't change the fact that it happened.

    The story that The Breeder re-posted about mowing lawns; nobody could possibly read that and think that he was writing for an audience of child molesters. But technically speaking, if the police had shown up, there may have been a problem for the man behind the curtain.

    I guess what I am suggesting is, when you share these stories (which I'd probably enjoy reading), you should probably take extra care to remind readers that your intent is to share the emotions of the event and not necessarily for some 50 year old perv to get off on boy sex.

    My 2 cents...

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  3. Love your blog & can't wait to read more!
    Thank You

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  4. Writing about experiences like these undeniably requires a huge amount of courage and a gigantic amount of trust. You expose yourself to your own emotions, and require yourself to process them more deeply than perhaps you have before. As you very well know, writing about something is qualitatively different from simply thinking about it - the two processes draw different things out of us. It also takes courage and trust to literally "give" these parts of yourself to the world - knowing that a wide range of reactions will come from readers with a wide array of personalities, backgrounds, and agendas. As soon as you share your perspective with the world, you can't control how people will react to it - and you can't help but wonder what effects will come from what you've said. Thanks for sharing the struggle you're facing, and for the honor of being admitted to fragments of your experience, your world. You have to speak your own truth - in your own way - with an awareness that there is indeed a listening audience.
    ----jonking

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  5. Jason,

    Thank you for your praise and your readership. I'm glad you enjoy me and my blog. You have my sympathy for having depression. It is certainly not a joy ride.

    -Ace

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  6. JFBreak,

    You make a good point. While I do not think any of my readers are child molesters or anything worse, I do know they are out there and I do not want to attract that kind of attention to myself. I think you're right. I want to be clear that I write for the emotional and historical value of the experience, not for the pervs.

    -Ace

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  7. Verse Piggy Bottom,

    Thank you very much. I try to make my point.

    -Ace

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  8. Jonking,

    Thank you very much for your words. It is true, sometimes honesty can be hard. Especially when I'm dealing with emotions I have kept to myself for years. I am glad, however, to be sharing them with you and all my other readers.

    -Ace

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  9. Looking forward to your blogposts/stories!
    Good luck writing all those memories down.
    Keep up the good work!
    xx
    Esteban

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  10. Esteban,

    Thank you very much for your support. I hope you enjoy what is to come.

    -Ace

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  11. Ace my friend,
    You know how i feel about you and your writing.
    I can get enough of it and you know it and i told you often and i mean it. My day is not complete without reading your blog or having a talk with you. You can write anything and you will be sure that i'm going to read it when i get home after my work schedule.
    You are a part of my life now and i thank Rob for letting me know you for the person that you really are, kind, sexy, intelligent and i can cintinu on that. You are like Rob, an amazing writer and i'm glad to call you my friend.

    Yves

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  12. Yves,

    Thank you very much. You know you always say the nicest things to me. You're a great man, my friend.

    -Ace

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  13. Ace,

    As another guy who began mutual oral sex in his early teens, I understand how uncomfortable some people get with our true stories. None the less, there I times I feel compelled to tell others about those emotionally charged experiences. Nobody forced me to suck cock at 13yo and to get mine sucked. Unlike you, almost all of my gay sex up thru college was with guys within about 5 years of my age.
    I experienced tender moments, embarassing ones, scary ones, rough ones. All were highly erotic. They are in the past, but telling the story to others helps us understand and accept ourselfs better.

    gr8sctttt

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  14. Gr8sctttt,

    I'm glad to have guys who started out young like me reading. I think, in some ways, it helps knowing that I'm not alone in my young explorations. Makes me feel like a part of an elite group of boys who matured early.

    -Ace

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  15. Ace,

    I know for a fact that most guys keep very quiet about their early teen homo experimentation, as many of those have gone on to lead totally straight lives. My boyfriend when I was 16 and 17 yo, is married with 5 kids. I doubt he tells anybody he was swapping loads throughout high school and that he was a great bottom and an even better top.

    I was very much in the closet and so was he. Like you we both enjoyed pussy too and I still enjoy eating a clean pussy.

    But I bet under torture, he would never admit to a gay experience today.

    I think, Even a lot of totally gay guys, wont admit early teen expeiences truthfully. After 2 years as fuck buddies, one of my best friends finally admitted that he started with his brother at 14 and he was ashamed of the incest.

    So do I think it is under reported? yes. Also, I think more guys would do it in their early teens if the stigma and physical punishment caused by public knowledge of their sex acts was not so threatening.

    I guess we were lucky to fall into lower social risk situations that allowed our experimentation.

    Or maybe, I was just a strong willed child?

    Wish I had known you were in OH, I was just a few hours from you. I would have snuck in that dorm.

    gr8sctttt

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  16. I had a similar experience with my first boyfriend: I just found out that he had his first kid recently. I've never kept in touch with him since we dated before I got into Facebook and stuff, so I have no idea if he talks about his bisexuality or not.

    I think that a lot of guys (I sometimes fall into this category) are forced into silence when there are public trials of sex offenders. Not because we are sex offenders ourselves, and certainly not because we agree with what those criminals do, but because of the stigma that can come with admitting to underage sex. It makes it hard to see what we have done as ok.

    -Ace

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  17. A boy doesn't suddenly become a man the day he turns 18. Teenage sexuality is a reality, and sharing an orgasm when you first are able to ejaculate is a natural urge -- for some of us with women, others with men, or for many of us (like you and I) with both. I'm grateful that I met someone who recognized this and shared his sexuality with me, fully aware of the possible risk but realizing that what we were doing wasn't morally wrong but an important part of my growth as a sexual being. I will always love him for allowing me to begin that part of my life with him in such a positive, caring -- and yes, loving, way. rjd

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  18. RJD,

    I like what you have to say on this subject. Personally, I can't see anything wrong with what I did. I was not a bad person for seeking out these men, I was simply a curious and horny boy who needed sex. I was going to get it from one place or another, and it was probably better that I got it from those men than someone who I couldn't trust who would hurt me.

    -Ace

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  19. There is also something to be said for learning the basics of male-male sexuality with someone older, presumably more experienced and hopefully more considerate ... as opposed to having another horny 14 yr old force his boner into your ass, ready or not, pounding away to get his nut off. An older lover realizes that the rewards a teen may offer may be not so much physical but an emotional one. A boy fucked with passion and tenderness will always remember how that felt.

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  20. Anon 1:19AM,

    It was certainly emotional for me. I plan to talk about my first time soon, but I just remember it feeling like a perfect moment. Having experienced that pain caused by an inexperienced young top, I am so incredibly glad that was not my introduction. I know that there was love and there was passion, and that is enough for me to ignore how young I was at the time.

    -Ace

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