Hi everyone. I'm afraid that today's blog post is going to be another one that is light on sex and heavy on Ace.
As my wonderful readers who have stayed with me since my life started to get rocky know, things have not been going so well for me lately. Problems have affected every aspect of my life, forcing me to have to take a step back a re-evaluate everything and even take a break from things. That is why the blog has been updating so irregularly lately. I am doing what I can, when I have time, and when I am in a place mentally that I can write, but some times days when I am able and willing are few and far between. This past week is a great example.
The week started out great, with me in a good head space about life and things in general. I even squeezed off a few posts, and enjoyed reading your comments. I don't know what happened, but towards the end of the week my head space got cluttered and I got bogged down in drudgery and I just stopped posting blogs. Not even one of my weekly Formspring blogs. When people ask me what is wrong (and if they can help; you all are so kind!) I tell them that it is hard to point to any one cause of my bummed out mood. And that is true. It is not just one thing or another, it is a large number of things coming together and hitting me all at once. I try to get some breathing room, I try to even get ahead, but it never seems to last and I'm not sure why. Still, I am hopeful for the future.
What makes me hopeful? There are a few things. I know that these things come and go and everything happens to us for a reason. I know that, no matter what, I will rise to the occaision and fight back against my problems, fighting to save myself from sinking deeper and deeper into my own personal Slough of Despond or Doldroms (Pilgrim's Progress and The Phantom Tollbooth, for those who enjoy my literary references). I have been to my bottom, and I would like to never go back there again.
The biggest hope maker in my life right now is the fact that a lot of people I know are going through a bad time too. That may sound harsh, but it is not what it sounds like. The knowledge that other people are hitting walls and being bombarded with problems helps me feel like I am still connected to the rest of the world, I know I am not alone. They say that misery loves company, but maybe it is a way of helping ourselves, rather than keeping others down. I would rather be in pain with everyone else than feel like everything was only happening to me. I need to keep in contact with people, and I need to be around others. That is what truly helps me get by.
Sadly, I have caught myself slipping up. I am mostly alone in this city now that I have moved, so most of my connections are made online or on my phone. But lately the internet has held no interest for me. To the point that I have spent very little time on my computer the past few days. In fact, since I left for dinner last Thursday, I have probably spent a full seven or eight hours on my computer total. In all fairness, I have been tired and on Saturday I left the city to spend time with my family, but I have not done any of my normal online interactions. No blogs, no YouTube (which I watch obsessively), no Netflix, and very little email interaction. In fact, most of my recent computer time has been spent either filling out job applications or checking my online classes. Possibly the only thing that has saved me from total lock out on communicating with people I know is the fact that I get Twitter and Facebook on my phone, and I never leave my phone behind.
I can't tell if my lack of computer was from being tired (I have napped a lot during the day recently due to trouble sleeping at night), being depressed, or a little of both. Or, it may have to do with the fact that my school is all online and I just needed a break from my "campus." Whatever the cause, I am feeling a bit better now, and I'm slowly (but very surely) coming back to my love: the computer. Hopefully this is a good trend and one I continue. I don't like slipping back into the pit I know I carry with me, so I try my best to react when I see the signs.
I will tell you all that I am looking in to seeing someone to talk about my life and my recent problems. I have been to therapy before and it really helped me, so I hope that talking things out this time will help me put things in perspective and allow me a place to vent my frustrations and sorrows. I have always been and likely will always be an advocate for therapy, it really helps, at least for me. Hopefully we all will see the good that comes from it.
Next blog: When Things Go Well