Monday, October 17, 2011

When Things Go Bad

Hi everyone. I'm afraid that today's blog post is going to be another one that is light on sex and heavy on Ace.

As my wonderful readers who have stayed with me since my life started to get rocky know, things have not been going so well for me lately. Problems have affected every aspect of my life, forcing me to have to take a step back a re-evaluate everything and even take a break from things. That is why the blog has been updating so irregularly lately. I am doing what I can, when I have time, and when I am in a place mentally that I can write, but some times days when I am able and willing are few and far between. This past week is a great example.

The week started out great, with me in a good head space about life and things in general. I even squeezed off a few posts, and enjoyed reading your comments.  I don't know what happened, but towards the end of the week my head space got cluttered and I got bogged down in drudgery and I just stopped posting blogs. Not even one of my weekly Formspring blogs. When people ask me what is wrong (and if they can help; you all are so kind!) I tell them that it is hard to point to any one cause of my bummed out mood. And that is true. It is not just one thing or another, it is a large number of things coming together and hitting me all at once. I try to get some breathing room, I try to even get ahead, but it never seems to last and I'm not sure why. Still, I am hopeful for the future.

What makes me hopeful? There are a few things. I know that these things come and go and everything happens to us for a reason. I know that, no matter what, I will rise to the occaision and fight back against my problems, fighting to save myself from sinking deeper and deeper into my own personal Slough of Despond or Doldroms (Pilgrim's Progress and The Phantom Tollbooth, for those who enjoy my literary references). I have been to my bottom, and I would like to never go back there again.

The biggest hope maker in my life right now is the fact that a lot of people I know are going through a bad time too. That may sound harsh, but it is not what it sounds like. The knowledge that other people are hitting walls and being bombarded with problems helps me feel like I am still connected to the rest of the world, I know I am not alone. They say that misery loves company, but maybe it is a way of helping ourselves, rather than keeping others down. I would rather be in pain with everyone else than feel like everything was only happening to me. I need to keep in contact with people, and I need to be around others. That is what truly helps me get by.

Sadly, I have caught myself slipping up. I am mostly alone in this city now that I have moved, so most of my connections are made online or on my phone. But lately the internet has held no interest for me. To the point that I have spent very little time on my computer the past few days. In fact, since I left for dinner last Thursday, I have probably spent a full seven or eight hours on my computer total. In all fairness, I have been tired and on Saturday I left the city to spend time with my family, but I have not done any of my normal online interactions. No blogs, no YouTube (which I watch obsessively), no Netflix, and very little email interaction. In fact, most of my recent computer time has been spent either filling out job applications or checking my online classes. Possibly the only thing that has saved me from total lock out on communicating with people I know is the fact that I get Twitter and Facebook on my phone, and I never leave my phone behind.

I can't tell if my lack of computer was from being tired (I have napped a lot during the day recently due to trouble sleeping at night), being depressed, or a little of both. Or, it may have to do with the fact that my school is all online and I just needed a break from my "campus." Whatever the cause, I am feeling a bit better now, and I'm slowly (but very surely) coming back to my love: the computer. Hopefully this is a good trend and one I continue. I don't like slipping back into the pit I know I carry with me, so I try my best to react when I see the signs.

I will tell you all that I am looking in to seeing someone to talk about my life and my recent problems. I have been to therapy before and it really helped me, so I hope that talking things out this time will help me put things in perspective and allow me a place to vent my frustrations and sorrows. I have always been and likely will always be an advocate for therapy, it really helps, at least for me. Hopefully we all will see the good that comes from it.

Next blog: When Things Go Well

24 comments:

  1. Ace,

    My hope is that you realize merely by writing these thoughts down, that you are on your way. Knowing where you are is a tough step for most, so merely recognizing all this is good.

    Does it take the sting away? I don't know. All I do know is that in those moments of despair, remember those of us you've allowed to be part of your life. Those of us who smile when we think of you, and are touched when we read your words.

    You are a good guy, an the good guys always win.

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  2. I love you. Take care. rjd

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  3. Does seem to be a season of challenges for lots of folk, eh? Good to know I can knock at the entrance to your cave via tweets & FB.

    I've been helped enormously by various kinds of therapy/counselling, perhaps the best with a couple of different psychiatrists I've worked with over the years. If your spirit is leaning in that direction, by all means follow. (I've lately been following those inner urgings myself; yet to be determined whether this is inspired or insane, but things feel good at this point.)

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  4. Jon,

    Thank you so much for your kind words. I often think of the lives I touch and those who touch me when the problems feel like too much. That is why I am thankful for you all.

    -Ace

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  5. RJD,

    Thank you very much, my friend.

    -Ace

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  6. RedPhillip,

    I am going to try therapy and take steps from there. I find that when I talk about my problems with a distanced party, I feel better. Thanks for your support.

    -Ace

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  7. You are so wonderful, first by putting these feeling out there You allow Your readers who may be going thru similar difficulties to know T/they are not alone. Like You said, misery loves company, it is very true. Not only do W/we need to know W/we are not the only ones but also that there are people out there who love U/us & will catch U/us if W/we fall. boy loves You so much & will always be a shoulder or helping hand for You. No matter what comes O/our way, boy will always be there for You.

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  8. boy,

    Thank you so much for your words and constant support. I never thought that I might be helping others with my post, but now I am very happy I posted it.

    -Ace

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  9. @Ace: Along with being a season of challenges, it also seems to be a season of astonishing kindness and caring coming one's way. Is for me, at any rate, and seems likewise for you - for all that little of that is coming from people you can actually see in person. Nice to be astonished by something good every now and again.

    In re: "Thanks for your support." To the extent of my capabilities - all the time, any time, Brother.

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  10. Süßer, I hope you'll be better soon! I send you love from under The Southern Cross!

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  11. Ace, it's very easy for us to get into a feedback loop that makes us doubt ourselves. I hope you spring back soon. There are lots of people who care about you, whether they show it or not and whether you know it or not. The world can be a drag, sometimes, but there's nothing personal about that, nature's just a bitch.

    I enjoy the insights you share, and I enjoy knowing that we have shared a connection, however frail and tenuous the internet may be. Let your fans, and especially Johnny be your strength, as much as you are ours.

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  12. Ace my friend,

    Read your post very closely man. I knew that you were going throu a tough time but not that much. You are so dear to me that my heart his hurting by reading it. You know that you can send me emails anytime you feel like it and i will gladly respond to them in a heartbeat. Hope that you are doing a little better now.
    You know that i am going throu some change myself these days so if you need somebody to talk, you know that me and Rod are here and also that you have a lot of friends near you.

    Yves

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  13. Countesszero,

    Thanks for the love, M'Lady. I will make sure to get better as soon as I can.

    -Ace

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  14. Kevin,

    Yeah, nature can be a bit of a bitch, but I have a feeling I can be a bigger one if I need. And I will allow you all to be my strength. That will actually make me VERY strong.

    -Ace

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  15. Yves,

    I'm happy to know you are here for me if I need you, and I am happy to have your support, my friend.

    -Ace

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  16. Ace,

    I am sorry to read about your struggles. A couple of thoughts -- first, keep writing. You are an excellent writer and your blog doesn't need to be exclusively about your sex life. Write about a stranger sitting at the table next to you at a coffee shop. Write about your school. Write about the change in season. Point is stay engaged. And don't fret that it isn't a masterpiece. It is from you and we all love you. That is what matters. Secondly, don't isolate yourself. Reach out to us and others. I have the feeling you do quite a bit for others and you need to let people do for you for a change. Ask us. We are here. Big hugs Ace.

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  17. Loki,

    Thank you so much. You are right that I do a lot for others and almost never ask for anything in return. You all have been so supportive of me, I wouldn't know what to do without you all. Thanks, very much.

    -Ace

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  18. My dear friend--I've been there a bit myself, these days. Work has felt like a struggle and, at the end of the day, all I've wanted to do was escape. So, rather than climb online and interact with people, I've been more apt to watch TV or nap. Sometimes I think it's self-protection, sometimes I think it's avoidance.

    So no, you're not alone. :)

    Thinking of you.

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  19. Richard,

    If I didn't know better, I would say you have been watching me recently. You have pretty much described my own habits recently. Thank you for your support. I know we will both get out of our finks soon.

    -Ace

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  20. Welcome back Ace. I have those days to where I disconnect from the computer and people. After relocating for the third time in less than 4 years in January 2010 I had decided that this was it. I have made friends and some really great friends here and hope that when time allows that you are able to do that where you are at. But you always have us here your blog and twitter fans.

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  21. VRPB,

    I'm glad to count you among my supporters. Getting your comment in my email right before I turned in to bed early last night really made me feel good as I went to sleep. You have always been a huge support for me. Thanks, so much.

    -Ace

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  22. Is there anything that I could do to help, Ace? I'm so sorry that you're having these problems!

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  23. Cum.Lover,

    If there was something you could do, trust me, I would tell you and let you have at it. But some things are just not solvable by those who talk with me online.

    -Ace

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