Wednesday, October 19, 2011

When Things Go Well

My last blog post was all about some of the problems I have had of late and how they have kept me from my major mode of interacting with you all, here on Blogger. This post I would like to dedicate to the things that have made me happy recently, things that I think have helped me keep my head above the surface these past few days.

The biggest point of joy in my recent life has got to be my dinner Thursday night. I've been pretty honest about the fact that I feel somewhat alone in Boston, I haven't yet been able to connect with people and make friends like I had hoped. All my stress has sort of prevented that from happening, sadly. I do want to get out there and make friends and maybe even be a regular at some place or another, but as of yet I have not had the ability or the will. I'm lucky if at the end of the day I have enough energy in me to make my way to the family owned shop on the corner for a sandwich. I have been very fortunate in that my great friend, Rob (who writes A Breeders Journal), knows a nice guy in the area and offered to introduce us. I have to say, I pretty much jumped at the opportunity. I love Rob dearly and was sure that if he thought this man was a good match for me, I would love him too. Well, we got to talking and sending messages back and forth for a while. He is a reader of both Rob's blog and my own, so he knew a lot more about me than I did about him. Still, it was very enjoyable to make my introductions and develop a dialogue with him.

Then we had dinner together. It started with us meeting at Harvard Square and moving to a nice cafe in the area that, while cozy, was not full of students like many places in the Cambridge area can be. We were able to talk very openly to one another. He was hilarious and enjoyed my often insane monologues. Somehow I managed to be nervous and charismatic at the same time while not scaring him away. He is a handsome bear with a scruffy face and a stud in his ear. We moved on to a place where I could eat meat and he could still be comfortable in his vegetarian diet. I kept losing track of time with him. It was five, then seven, then time for both of us to catch our separate subways home. I rode the train elated at the way the night had worked out and wondering when he and I would be able to get together again. I slipped in to bed that night feeling tired, but very happy to have made a new friend. I felt like a ridiculous kid, but he brought that out of me. Strange how that works.

There has also been a series of dream-related happenings that made me happy recently. And I am not so surprised that they all have had to do with Rob, who I realize I have been missing recently (pulling away from friends means that I have pulled away from him too). Rob appeared in a dream I had recently where I was at his house for part of the dream, and we were both playing video games. It was one of those moments of pure fun that you can have between two people who care about each other. I am not sure what game we were playing, but we were laughing and enjoying ourselves.

My second dream with Rob was much shorter, but also much more important to me. In this dream I was in bed, lying on my right side with my head tilted down towards the end of my bed. In the dream I opened my eyes and saw a familiar pair of feet playing lightly with my own. My eyes drifted up and enjoyed looking at a lovely pair of legs that ended at a crotch covered only by a pair of white trunks. I raised my head even more until I met his smiling face, looking right at me. I started to say, "Rob, what are you doing here?" But he cut me off by reaching out and grabbing the sides of my head, pulling me in, and lightly kissing my forehead. He looked in my eyes and said, "I love you," and I felt so wonderfully warm. The feeling carried over when I woke up, as if his sweet body were still wrapped around my own. I could still feel where he had kissed my forehead, as if the dream lips remained pressed to me. It was a beautiful start to my day.

And finally, yesterday morning, I told Rob I had been dreaming about him on Twitter. He replied that he had a dream about a golden retriever, suggesting that the dog had been me. The idea of me visiting this amazing man I care for deeply in his dreams as a playful dog made my heart jump and my spirit soar. The two of us even agreed that I had the same color hair, that it must have been me. It was wonderful, and the happy mood it put me in lasted throughout the day, in spite of a few unsavory events that followed it. Nothing could stop a smile from reaching my face every time I thought about it.

The last thing that has kept me going these past few days is the constant attention and contact I have gotten from friends I am very close to online. These are people who would never allow me to slip away from their sights even in my deepest of depressions. These people care about me, wish me well, and often times feel like family to me. These people, when they read this, will likely know who they are; men and women who hardly let a day go by without saying something to me, and who constantly check up on me the moment I let my bad mood show. Who think nothing of offering advice and comfort when I am feeling down. Thanks to you guys especially.

My readers, too, have kept me going in their own way. The support I got from you all for my last post was just amazing. I am moved beyond words at your replies. I expected very little feedback from you all. I wrote these two posts for myself and put the last one up expecting nothing more than a few pats on the back. But you all have shown me once again that I have the best readers out there. And you are all right, I should not let life get me down. And I should start asking help of others. And I should definitely not pull away from the support which you all have clearly shown me. Thank you all so much. It means a lot to me.

12 comments:

  1. Ace - I don't think I need to tell you to hold on to these special moments when they occur. Very happy for you. There is some guy who writes from Boston, will have to find him if you are not connected. Wishing and praying for all the best for you. Love your blog - seldom post. Yesterday and today moved me. Love your hairy body also - but it's you that comes first in my thoughts. hugs, sammy bear

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  2. Sammy Bear,

    Thanks for your support and for your comment. I am always happy when I'm told by readers that they like reading my blog for me, and not just for the sex.

    -Ace

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  3. Acers: "Somehow I managed to be nervous and charismatic at the same time while not scaring him away."

    This makes perfect sense to me - both that you would be startled by your feelings, and that your friend would not be scared away but more likely charmed. When you're down it seems you're quick to discount your fine qualities - you've written movingly about the legacy of growing up being made to believe yourself unworthy.

    Some very important changes in my life in the last several years have been preceded by dreams that pointed the way forward. If your dreams of Rob are representative of nothing except your mutual love and care, they are wonderful gifts. You'll know soon enough whether there is more within them.

    "I should definitely not pull away from the support which you all have clearly shown me."

    Silly boy, we won't let you! What do you think the wrist and ankle cuffs are for?

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  4. RedPhillip,

    I would be very interested in learning about your changes and the dreams that preceded them. I really would enjoy sharing that with you. And I don't know if they mean anything more than just how I felt about them, but if they do, I will accept what life has for me.

    As for the cuffs, I thought they were just so I didn't feel as naked standing in front of you unclothed.

    -Ace

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  5. This is most delightfully sweet, & I love Rob's dream about the golden retriever.

    See you Friday-

    B.T.

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  6. The dreams sound wonderful and glad that you have been able to meet a mutual friend of Rob's.

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  7. My sweet boy. It made me glad to read you're happy. Maybe these dreams remind you to let happiness back into your life?

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  8. Ace

    See Stella - we knew you'd get your groove back! Love that you were so charged meeting the scruff stud. And dreams of RB -- so nice. Hang on to your hat fella, you'll own Boston by Christmas

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  9. B.T.,

    Thank you, and for sure.

    -Ace

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  10. VRPB,

    I'm glad to have met him too. Rob certainly knows how to pick his friends.

    -Ace

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  11. Countesszero,

    They certainly have helped me accept joy as it comes to me instead of worrying about all the angsty sorrow I have.

    -Ace

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  12. Loki,

    If I'm not Mayor of Boston by then I'll have to find a different city to take over.

    -Ace

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