Wednesday, November 30, 2011

What I Need

I know I had warned you all in Sunday's post that my writing was going to be a bit sparse in the coming days because of different stresses that are newly piling on my life, but it wasn't much of a warning (as I was rushing, thanks to some of the stress) and I figured I owed you all a better explanation of what is going on with me.

I guess what I want to talk about first is my lack of any sort of a sex life to talk about recently. I have seen an increase in people asking me how things are going with that in my emails, and I wanted to address that issue in the blog because I'm sure more of you are wondering. I have not had sex since my post with the Professor at the beginning of the month. Once again, this is not because I have stopped being my usual horny self. If anything, I am way more horny because of my lack of sex. There just seems to be a constant barrage of things getting in my way, and I don't have the time I used to have to cruise for sex online.

In reality, I also don't have much of a social life these days. To the point where in a recent bout of depression I wondered if I had done something to run my friends away or upset them. There are certain people I talk to pretty regularly and when I don't hear anything from them it can really tweek me out and I start to worry. I know I sent more than one of them a message along the lines of, "Are you ok? I'm worried because I haven't heard from you in a while." I hate to admit it, but when I don't hear from people I really care about, I immediately assume I did something wrong and it grates on my nerves. I assume it is part of my constant struggle with that annoying depression voice in the back of my head. But something about it makes me believe it.

I think part of the problem is that, before I moved, I had a fairly active social life at school, and a group of people I was close to that I saw almost every day. Now I hardly hear from those people, and a few of them I haven't heard anything from in a while. And those I have heard from have mostly been through emails and other things like that. What I really miss is being able to talk to people face-to-face, or even just voice-to-voice. I've always been one for long phone conversations and I miss having them with certain people.

I can't help but think that with my old solid social network, I would be able to get past all the other stresses in my life a bit better. But these days I feel so disconnected it amazes me to remember that I live a rather short distance from people I know in the city. I talk about not liking my apartment, yet I have somehow (without even knowing it) allowed it to cut me off from the outside world. Some days I feel like I'm on an island off the coast instead of attached to the continent. It is a very strange and displaced feeling.

What makes it worse is that I already have all these strings pulling at my heart anyway. As I have said before on this blog, when I love someone deeply and unconditionally, that love doesn't just go away. It is forever. Yet, with my move and other circumstances, I feel myself very far away from those I love, and it affects me a lot more than I ever thought it would. Recently people who I don't usually think about except as fond memories have been weighing on my mind and I can't really explain why. But the pressure pushes the more recent and closer bonds down on me too.

I'm not sure if I'm making sense in what I'm saying anymore, and I don't want to come off like a crazy person. I'm actually functioning very well (thank you). But it is very difficult to explain how going from being a very social and in-the-moment person to the hermit-like man I have become can cause strife. I guess the best way to explain it is to imagine you are holding a bundle of balloons and each balloon is one of your friends and the strings are your communication. If the strings are cut, the balloons fly away, and you don't get them back. Obviously friendships don't work that way, but in my darker moments I have the irrational notion that they do. Add to that the equally irrational notion that all the strings have been cut at once, and you're left with Ace jumping around trying to grab at balloons that are flying everywhere. It isn't a pretty picture.

I'm sorry to vent into the blog like this. Once again, I never intended for this blog to be anything but a telling of my sexual adventures. But I suppose to talk about the ways and hows of sex, you have to talk about the ways and hows of the times when sex is one of the last things on your mind. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, right now, I would love to be fucking, but I don't need it. What I need is to make some friends.


  1. Interesting that in days gone by there was only telephones, letter writing, and face-to-face to connect with people. So you could go awhile before hearing from someone if they were away or really busy to have a good long chat.

    Now with everyone walking around with a cell phone glued to their head, and smart phones/iPads in hand to update facebook-tweet on twitter-email-text, you can actually hear less from people and loose the personal touch all together. Short little 'blasts' of info seem to be the norm and people are forgetting to have conversations with individual people and/or how to say something using more then 140 spaces.

  2. Well you're definitely not forgotten, since Johnny mentions looking forward to January at least a couple of times a week. But I can understand where you are coming from.

    I have lived within 200 miles of my birthplace my entire life, and am surrounded by family and people I've hung out with 20, 30, or 40 years. When my wife talked about moving 1500 miles away a few years ago, it traumatized me so much I actually wondered if I could stay married. Isolation is anathema to our highly socialized brains, and while many people make nebulous claims about depression and anxiety and what may cause them, I think we need look no further than a modern lifestyle of moving hundreds of miles for education and work.

    It's important to form connections and to sustain the connections you have. I no I have no claim on being a friend, but I've come to care about you, and Johnny, and I hope you find a way through this very soon.

  3. Cyberi4a,

    I think you bring up a really good point about how the short post-style micro-blogging has really affected communication. It doesn't help that most Facebook/Twitter updates are really not that important (I fall in to this trap too). Sure, I can find out from a text that a friend went to see a movie today, but really I would need a whole conversation to learn how he felt about it and pick his brain as I would like.


  4. Kevin,

    Thank you very much for your kind words. I understand what you are going through. I traveled half-way across the country for my undergraduate degree, and that put a heavy strain on my friendship with people from high school, especially because most of them all went to college in New England and got to stay friends, whereas I had to make new ones. Isolation is never easy, even when it is self-imposed. I am lucky I have people like you who I talk to online regularly. Not sure where I would be without online communication.


  5. Ace,

    Funny thing -- a couple of my friends were complaining about the very same thing -- a sort of melancholy deal. This is but a momentary blip my friend -- those relationships or new ones will bloom again and men will be limping around town, their asses and mouths used with that hot tool of yours soon enough. Hang tough.

  6. Loki,

    I know it is a blip. It is just a hard blip to have to deal with, and one I did not expect. I am not sure why, because I have moved and been forced to make new friends before. I think it is the amount of time and energy I have to put in to making these new friends that really wears me out. Meeting people feels hard to do. Sometimes leaving my apartment feels hard to do. I definitely am fuzzy in my head on this issue--almost as fuzzy as I am on my chest!


  7. Ace,
    Sorry that i didn't comment for a little while but you know that i am still here my friend.
    That post touch me very deaply and i felt the same thing when i left my hometown a while back. I was well known in my hometown but i was strangle by the burden of what people would think of me. I left all the people that i knew and move over a city that i only knew my best friend. Everybody stop talking to me as soon as i left so like you, all the balloons went away at the same time. Now i have some great friends like you and Rob and i cannot have better friends than that.
    Take care man and i am always there for you.