I'm sorry that I've been seemingly gone recently, having missed Sunday's usual Formspring post and my usual Monday morning post, but I've been a little preoccupied. This morning my boy got on a plane heading back home, and I wanted to make sure his last three days with me were as full and eventful as possible for him. I wanted the trip to be totally worth the time he took off and money he spent. Every time I asked him if he was enjoying himself, if he was having fun, or whatever, he would respond that any time with me was time well spent. I would smile, kiss him, and let my insecurities slowly build back up until the next time I asked him.
I probably don't need to say that I miss him and that I was sad to say goodbye, I'm sure that has been made clear already. Having him around, supporting me, servicing me, and just holding me has made me happier than I have been in a long time. Having someone to come home to, having someone to take care of, having someone around to talk to, to be with...It has all been much better than I expected. I don't know how I'm going to go back to my regular life of living alone after two weeks with this wonderful man, but I know I must try.
The best part, and by far the part I will miss most, of having him around, was those moments when he told me how wonderful I am. That may sound a bit egocentric of me, but let me explain. Those of you who know me and have been long-term readers of my blog know that I have some self esteem issues I struggle with. Whether it is worrying that I'm doing something wrong, am upsetting someone, or am just a terrible and ugly person, I can be pretty down on myself. Every time that happened these past two weeks, my boy was there to tell me how foolish I was being, and how wonderful I really am. He would tell me that I deserve such amazing things, the best out of life, and the love of those around me. I agree with him, but it was nice hearing someone else say those things to me. As he said frequently while here, "You've spent so much of your life being told that you're not worth it. I want to tell you that you are."
And the best part was that, when he said it, I believed it.
Coming back to my apartment without him was hard. The entire trip on public transportation from the airport was hard. I am definitely in a melancholy mood now, and I realize that I also have a lot to think about. But while I sit and wait for his message that he has arrived home safely, I can look at the message he sent me while I was on my way home and he was waiting for his plane: "You are so special. i will never let You doubt that again."
I'll do my best not to.