Ignoring the inordinently long time since I last had sex; how long has it been since I was so comfortable lying next to someone I loved that I cried tears of joy? How long has it been since I spent an entire day focusing just on what makes me happy, and discovering that my joy fits perfectly in line with the joy of the person I'm with? The answer is months. It has been months since I fell asleep and woke up happy knowing I was with someone I cared for. The last time was before I had even started this blog.
And when was the last time I got to wake up happy next to someone I loved two days in a row? I don't even want to think about it. The term "forever" comes to mind, as does the phrase "I don't remember the last time."
These past few days with my boy have shown me not only that I am capable of being happy, but that I deserve to be as happy as I am in this very moment. I deserve to have a smile stapled to my face, and I deserve to walk around like a furry goof-ball. And I deserve to be able to reach out and touch someone every time I feel the least bit lonely. I have wanted that feeling for so long now, after quite some time of relationship-free sex; I have wanted to remember that I am worth it. And I guess I have had too many recent disappointments to remember it on my own.
For anyone who is wondering, I'll clear the issue right now: I am not embarking on a monogamous relationship my boy, we are not settling down and getting married. What we are doing for each other, however, is just as important to both of us, if not more so. That is, of course, we are caring for each other. Holding each other when we are sad, cooking for each other, kissing one another...It is wonderful.
But if I am so deserving of this happiness, why does that niggling voice in the back of my head still show up (and at the worst times). It is the voice that calmly and gently whispers in my ear when I am hugging my boy. When he is in my arms or rubbing my back, the voice simply says, "This won't last. He will leave you. Like everyone else."
Seriously, what is that all about? Why in my moments of total happiness, do I still feel like I don't deserve happiness? I am being shown how easy I am to love, but everything inside of me still finds it hard to believe that I am lovable. I can't help but ponder what a crazy mess I am, no matter how often my boy tells me I'm perfect. And these moments of pondering are when my boy truly comes through for me. One look from his smiling face and all doubts I have vanish, and I find myself kissing him, holding him tight, and feeling totally blessed that I know this man who can make me feel like a whole person.
It may seem like I am running away from the problem by using his love for me. If that is the case, though, I must run away once again. Knowing that there is a man waiting in the other room for me, not expecting anything of me, not wanting me to be someone I am not, just hoping that I will hold him; that knowledge makes it hard to stay away from him for long. And so I am cutting this blog post here, leaving to go be happy some more.