Thursday, June 7, 2012

I Fuck Up

This was actually supposed to go up yesterday, but Blogger wasn't letting me post it regardless of what I tried. I had a nice fight with Blogger that ended with me loosing and Blogger showing me a fairly constant error screen. Things are better now, however, so here is yesterday's blog, a day late.

This is the first part in a two part series.

As much as I definitely have been busy recently, and I've definitely had trouble finding time to write in my blog, I think I may have just been putting off talking about this moment in my recent life. Why? Well, simply because it does not paint me in a very good light, especially at the start of the story. I'm not so full of myself to think that I can't do anything wrong and that I'll never make mistakes, but I don't always like to talk about them. I have, however, been dwelling on my actions. Dwelling to the point that I have had trouble thinking about anything else, nothing that I could write about. So like it or not, I'm going to be writing about a moment I'm not overly fond of. But shame will do that to you, especially if your shame likes to wake you up at night and remind you of all the mistakes you've made. Mine does.

I like video games, as many people do. I enjoy using them as a way to unwind, especially when I've been at work and am stressed out. They let me focus on something else for a while and maybe get a bit of aggression out. I do require some level of interesting story and compelling reason for me to play, but what I'm really looking for is something that I can get lost in. Past games I've really enjoyed include the Resident Evil and Final Fantasy games. A few weeks ago, while my boy was here, I had a few extra dollars on me and I decided to spend them on buying Fallout 3.

After work I came home and really needed to unwind. After a day doing retail, dealing with people non-stop, sometimes I need to be absolutely alone.I don't mean that I need a few minutes to get into relaxation mode and then I can hang out with friends. I mean that I need to not see or hear another person. People who have had retail or other service based jobs can back me on this one. Sometimes it is just too much to handle.

Thinking that I only needed maybe an hour or so to cool down after a shower, I left my boy in the other room while I played Fallout 3 for a while and ran around a post-nuclear Washington D.C., killing genetic and atomic mutants. I have to say that Fallout 3 has one of the most impressively addicting stories I've seen in a while, especially when you match it with the non-linear playing style (sorry if this is boring for you non-gamers). Suffice it to say that I lost track of time and wound up at my computer for much longer than the hour I expected.

How I realized my mistake was the sound in the game went quiet for a moment and I heard my boy softly snoring in the other room. I then quickly noticed that my hair was dry, something that takes an hour or so to do on a good day. I silently cursed at myself for not realizing what the time was and getting overly distracted.  I made my way softly to the bed and crawled in with my boy, doing my best not to disturb him as he slept, other than to curl up next to him and wrap my arm around him. It didn't take me long to fall asleep, it never does when I'm sleeping with him, and the next thing I knew my alarm was going off.

I woke up pretty quickly to my alarm, feeling well rested enough to venture out of bed. I got up and made my breakfast and puttered around, trying to be quiet, but that is kind of hard in a small apartment. Still, my boy didn't move much other than to shift in bed and roll over. I could tell something was up, he had been sleeping for a very long time. I wasn't sure if he was tired, sick, or what. I decided that I would bother him if I got back into bed so I moved myself to the other room and got on my computer and mindlessly browsed the internet for a while.

Eventually my boy did get up, only to go right back to sleep, complaining that he was tired and hadn't slept well. He didn't elaborate, but I knew something was off. Something had been off since the night before. I came to bed to ask him about it. At first he tried to pretend like there was nothing wrong but I was having none of that. He is not my boy just because I'm more dominant in bed than he is. He is my boy because we are very in sync with each other's needs, at least we usually are. And I could tell there was something wrong with him, something I needed to fix ASAP.

When I finally did coax and prod the problem out of him I learned that he had slept poorly the whole night after falling asleep alone waiting for me to get off the computer. He told me that he felt that the computer game was more important to me than he was, and that he had been hurt by that thought. Obviously he was mistaken, the game was not nearly as important to me, but I could see where he was coming from. I once again cursed myself for getting distracted by the game. Not only had it kept me up later than I had wanted to be, now it had been the cause of a rift between my boy and I.

I knew I needed to make things better.


  1. Since he was a guest in your home I can see where he is coming from. It's like going to dinner with someone who talks on the phone the whole time (assuming they are not a doctor trying to save a life).

    What you did seems to be the problem with video games, people loose track of time and forget the outside world or forget to go outside period.

  2. Then he should have gone to you and said, "You've been playing for over an hour. Come to bed."

    Nobody likes passive aggression.